We were having dinner with friends recently when the conversation got around to how much we had on our plates despite all of us being retired. A couple of us were excited to share the things we’ve been working on. For me launching this blog has been a lot of work, mostly because the twenty-somethings that write the descriptions for these blogging sites using terms like “easy set-up” and “intuitive formatting” did not grow up in an era when a significant technological advancement meant migrating from rotary dial to touch-tone phones. Nevertheless, I stuck with it and if I’m in the mood to admit to a silver lining, I learned a ton in the process and am having a blast with it now. But as our exchange over dinner progressed it became obvious some in our group were so loaded down with commitments, they had little time to pursue the interests they enjoyed.
It’s so easy to see how it happens. We’ve all been there; you reluctantly agree to serve on a committee, or volunteer for some neighborhood project or charity fundraiser and then you wake up the next morning regretting it. For days you keep asking yourself, “Why didn’t I just say no?” And it’s not because it isn’t a good thing, it may very well be a great cause or important work that needs to be done; it’s just not a good thing for you. For the next how many ever days or weeks or months you’re full of dread, but you gave your word and now you’re stuck with another burden. And good cause or not, burdens increase our anxiety level. So, there we sat having dinner with a couple of pretty stressed out retired people.
Having just been in the same place a year ago, I was the most sympathetic. Everyone who has struggled with saying no has their reasons. Maybe we’ve been conditioned that saying no is rude, or selfish, or disrespectful. Well, we need to get over that because it’s nothing of the sort. Or maybe we can’t say no because we really like helping people in need, or we get a charge from being the hero that swoops in and rescues this year’s fundraiser from the brink of disaster. For years, I’ve found this whole thing a little tricky to navigate because sometimes doing the things people ask us to do works out great. It may open doors for new experiences, and if we find it rewarding and enjoyable then it’s a no-brainer. But too many times it doesn’t work out that well. We all have limited time and energy so developing the ability to say no effectively is a life skill worth learning – especially when you’re retired and everyone assumes you have all the time in the world to help with their pet project.
Tim, my husband, and better at saying no than anyone I’ve ever known, couldn’t relate to how challenging I used to find saying no to be. And just to be clear, none of this is about not being there for the people close to us in their time of need. It’s more about not allowing our lives to be hijacked by events, activities or obligations we have little interest in. The ironic thing for me was I never had this problem during my first chapter of life. Every minute was consumed by raising my family or the demands of my career, there was no time to even consider taking on anything extra. Then came Chapter 2, and I suddenly had all this free time and believe me, there were plenty of people standing by to fill it up. It didn’t take long before being the benevolent hero did me in. I suspected that same thing has happened to our friends.
If I was ever going to have the chance to pursue Chapter 3, I had to sharpen my “thanks, but no thanks” skills. I’m hardly an expert, but the biggest thing I learned from Tim was you don’t have to explain yourself. It’s best to keep it short and simple. Now if I’m not interested in an opportunity, I say something like, “Thanks for thinking me, but I’m not going to be able to take that on right now.” If they are rude enough to push, and some are, I just respond with, “There are some things I don’t want to get into, but this is not just not the time for me to take on something new.” They usually get the message. It’s just that easy.
Of course, I always say it with a pleasant expression on my face and kind tone in my voice. I’ve found the person asking is often as uncomfortable as I am. If you’re worried they’re going to hold it against you, just consider that they’re probably worried about the same thing. Just be nice, and tell them you’re flattered to be asked. Just don’t leave the door open. Unless you really are on the fence and need more time to think about it, the worst thing you can do is let the conversation end with you agreeing to give it some more thought. That just means you need to have this agonizing conversation again.
So, over dinner we each shared tips and armed our overburdened friends with the tools to reclaim their lives. I must say it felt good to sit on the non-stressed side of the table; to finally have the balance in my life I’d heard so much about all the years. Maybe if you put in sixty plus years of hard labor, as a reward you really can have it all . . .
